Amarula Dreams

The 21st century version of "he won't buy the cow if you give him the milk for free"

Do you remember "The Rules"? "Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right," or something stupendously clever like that. Full of fabulous bits of advice like "don't call him and rarely return his calls," "don't go Dutch on a date" and "don't rush into sex." In short, be a rude, cheap, prude and you're guaranteed to land the man of your dreams.

Do you know that the women who wrote “The Rules” have a website? You've got to check it out. Sherrie and Ellen (apparently they go by their first names, kind of like Madonna...the virgin, I assume, not the singer) offer email consultations, 100% confidential and encrypted, for $200. Or, if you don’t have that kind of cash, you can submit a “quick question” for $50. On the other hand, if you need more personalized attention, one hour phone consultations are available for $250.

It doesn’t end there. You can buy two-hour audiotapes and CDs of their June 13, 2005 seminar in New York City, which includes “testimonials from engaged and married Rules girls!” (emphasis most decidedly not added). And finally, for the low low price of $1,000, you can take a 12-week course to become a Certified Rules Facilitator.

Among other things, the Rules Girls offer (and I quote):

An evaluation of your dating history (i.e. rule-breaking patterns) in past and present relationships.

An analysis of childhood issues that may affect the kind of men that you are attracting.

Personal shopping and makeovers. Some women don't understand why they are not meeting or attracting the men they want. In some cases, the problem is not The Rules, but their appearance.

How to be a Creature Unlike Any Other (CUAO), i.e. have self-esteem and feel good about yourself, whether or not you're in a relationship.

Here’s my advice on how to have self-esteem and feel good about yourself: stay away from the Rules.

Please please please please please tell me that this is a joke, and that the site’s actually run by the Onion.

posted by Anonymous @ 9:02 PM